I’ve always wanted to pass hoity-toity judgement on people a lot more beautiful than me, floating upon a red carpet I’ll never have the grace or good fortune to trudge down like a stomping kid in their big brother’s wellies.
And thanks to the joyous wonders of the internetz, I can!
Yes, these days everybody can turn fashion blogger. Even you. And more importantly, even me.
So. From the comfort of my sofa, where I sit donning the latest in coveted high-street leisurewear, I invite you, my most loyal readers, to THE OSCARS. Here on these humble webpages I bring you: KATIE KHAN’S ROUND-UP OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS COUTURE DRESSES, ‘N’ THAT.
I’m rather fond of those body language features in magazines where they bring in a ‘body language psychologist’ who spouts, frankly, a pile of cobblers. (“Tom and Katie in not hugging shocker!” Nothing to do with height difference on a pavement full of paps, of course.) Thus in honour of this fine editorial tradition, I’ve taken the liberty of commissioning a fantastic* up-and-coming** clothing psychologist*** (this may be a made up job description) (the rest is **me) to reveal THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND RED CARPET DRESSES.
Oooh!
1) NATALIE PORTMAN.
WHAT THIS DRESS SAYS ABOUT NATALIE PORTMAN: She thinks her baby is a Ribenaberry
DESIGNER’S ORIGINAL CONCEPT SKETCH:

2) JENNIFER LAWRENCE.
WHAT THIS DRESS SAYS ABOUT JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Hello boys. Sexy as hell. Who the hell is Jennifer Lawrence?
DESIGNER’S ORIGINAL CONCEPT SKETCH:
3) MILA KUNIS.
WHAT THIS DRESS SAYS ABOUT MILA KUNIS: ‘“Black swan”? No. I do not fuck like a stoat. I’m so unbearably light and feminine I’m basically oestrogen.’
DESIGNER’S ORIGINAL CONCEPT SKETCH:

4) CATE BLANCHETT.
WHAT THIS DRESS SAYS ABOUT CATE BLANCHETT: Somebody sicked on my dress
DESIGNER’S ORIGINAL CONCEPT SKETCH:
5) HALLE BERRY.
WHAT THIS DRESS SAYS ABOUT HALLE BERRY: Somebody sicked on my career
DESIGNER’S ORIGINAL CONCEPT SKETCH:
6) REESE WITHERSPOON.
WHAT THIS DRESS SAYS ABOUT REESE WITHERSPOON: If you mention Legally Blonde I will sue you.
DESIGNER’S ORIGINAL CONCEPT SKETCH:

7) PENELOPE CRUZ.
WHAT THIS DRESS SAYS ABOUT PENELOPE CRUZ: The man I am with is so ruddy sexy my polyester dress just caught fire around ze crotch area
DESIGNER’S ORIGINAL CONCEPT SKETCH:

And there we have it: my first foray into fashion blogging. I probably won’t take photos of myself in my garden modelling an outfit fashioned entirely from Topshop vouchers, ripped tights and haberdashery ribbon, if you don’t mind; I’ll happily leave that to the experts. But whether you’re a kamikaze style blogger or a glamorous celebrity on the red carpet, it’s true that what you wear shouts something about you - so it’s probably best to keep an eye on what you’re shouting. (The fantastic* up-and-coming** clothes psychologists*** say so.)